Love you, always

Becca, I miss you. Every part of this week has been filled with raw emotions, memories of us, reflections of meaningful conversations, and regrets of conversations and adventures we never got to have. We could go for weeks, sometimes months without talking, but when it was time to finally catch up, it was like no time had passed at all. The truth is, I never thought you’d be the one to die. When we first met, despite the hard times we were both facing, you reminding me to be strong, have hope, and to know you’d always be there for me. I wasn’t always sure I could do that, but I was convinced you could. So many things you said stuck with me. You were younger than me, but so fucking wise beyond your years Becca. I could just listen to you and not begin to comprehend how you had so much wisdom in your short life. Not only did we get to become close friends, but then we became coworkers, roommates, and while living together presenting some normal challenges, I learned so much from you and cherished our friendship. I often envied how you seemed to be able to kick back and be carefree and have fun. I was the uptight one always worrying. You gave me the opportunity to know your beautiful sister Libby, which I am eternally grateful for. We both shared some similar struggles and some very different. But I wish I had known just how much you were struggling. I would do anything to go back in time and reach out to you. I am sure so many people are saying that now. Hindsight is funny like that. But the truth is, you never had an easy hand at life. You dealt with things as they came to you, often with grace and dignity. But you had to endure so much in your short life. I didn’t tell you enough how proud I was of you, or that most people your age could never have dealt with the things you did. I will never forget the things you’ve taught me, your contagious smile, or your ability to be a loyal and sincere friend. I am sorry you were hurting so much. I would do anything to change that. ANYTHING. I want to try not to focus on the fact that you’re gone because honestly that’s crushing me. I want to find a way to remember you for all of the amazing things you brought to my life and the life of others. While I am still working on what exactly that may look like, know I am thinking of you, and I love you so very much. I may never understand your exact reasons for leaving, but I know enough to know that you needed the pain to end. Kiss Niles for me because I know you’re both amongst the angels out there my sweet friend. Love you always.

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